I have a pretty healthy attitude towards death, although working at a funeral parlour would certainly be beyond me. But saying that, I love that most of them have clocks up in their windows. Clearly they have a brilliantly healthy, sick sense of humour. I'm sure you'll agree that it's a really touching reminder that they, and time, will get us all in the end.

Big Issue Salesman

This gentleman was, unsurprisingly, failing to solicit sympathy from anyone passing by. Not that it's a must to wear threads that barely hold themselves together, but surely he could at least dress down a little for the affair.

This is about a tenth of an impressively obsessive seashells collection.

Does the stock market somehow effect the weather? If so, we could blame our shockingly poor summer on the impending credit crunch.

Make a note in your diaries

Model double decker bus: £8
Vase: £16
Coffee table: £125
Caution sign, appearing as though part of the arrangement: Priceless.

Defeating the object

Chinese silk and bmx cool. Quite a combo.

Architectural scaffolding

Well, it certainly made me feel uncomfortable.

Decorative Scaffolding

Thames Bank Bonanza

I'd no idea people took the building of sand castles so seriously these days. It's hard to spot, but in between the cones is also one of those Caution: Wet Floor signs. Fantastic.

Grease III

I accidentally auditioned for the role of extra in an Islington version of this film classic. On the sports ground in front of me, some T-Birds were tearing up the tarmac on a super cool scooter. And this Pink Lady, well, she thought they were pretty cool. She coyly watched from a distance for a while, then once they'd spotted her, she turned her back and wiggled her behind at them. Classy. After that, she flounced off in true Pink Lady style.
Did I get the part? I guess they'll let me know...

Stannah Stairlifts Go Alfresco

Borders Recommends...

Shopped!

Caught these two characters red-handed out the back of Pentonville Prison.

Street Art

Anna-In-Wonderland

Otherwise known as Granchester, I was fortunate enough to pay it visit it one morning. And thank god I did. Didn't see a soul. I was lucky enough to see so much more than that. I'll let the pictures speak for themselves.

Guest Appearance IV

I take my hat off to my sister for this one. It's really quite something. Taken in Devon. Well, it would be, wouldn't it.

Thank god

I'm sure everyone's extremely relieved to hear that this platform poster won't be empty forever. Advertising is always dearly missed, isn't it. But how long must we wait? Surely we deserve some sort of time scale.

Guest Appearance III

Thanks to Lucy for this double whammy.

Presents

Some people are gifted at choosing good presents. Others seems to completely lack the required empathy to pick out something suitable. It was the latter that I witnessed the other week at my local. A man and a woman (relationship unknown, in their mid-thirties) were at the table next to me. Soon after she'd arrived, she pulled out a large bag and, with a flourish, handed over a brightly wrapped parcel. Inside was a box clearly containing medication of some kind. It's reveal was followed by a confused silence from the man.

"It's for your bones!"

Seizing the packet, she waved it about.

"It's really good for them, makes them stronger and all that."

Clearly from his reaction, he has no issues with his bones, has no family history of it, and has no idea why he should be being given them. My attention now irretrievably caught, I watched the next present opening. Cigars. Relatively sensible. Chocolate. Even more sensible. Then the last one. It was a small piece of cloth, made of fleece. He turned it over in his hands a little, trying to establish was it was. Then the giver snatched it from him and pulled it over her head.

"It's a snood! You wear it when you're sailing."

After a short pause, he replied

"Great. Well, if I ever go sailing, then I'll be nice and warm, won't I."

I'm afraid I missed what was on the card, so you'll have to imagine that for yourselves.

Leave me alone

People never cease to amaze me. And these two suits were particularly adept at it. Most people don't like sharing seats with strangers, as empty spaces on buses and the tube daily prove. And I suppose a park bench is an even more intimate location. But surely, just sitting at opposite ends and separately enjoying your lunch creates an adequate amount of distance. You don't need to have your back turned as well. And put yourself in a such an uncomfortable position that your knees are pressed against the end of the bench. I wouldn't be surprised if his bad posture gave rise to indigestion not too long afterwards..

Why would someone even consider wrapping a hammer in bubble wrap? Surely it's anything but breakable. Or fragile.
Perhaps they just like bubble wrap. I certainly do.

Sausage smarty

Instead on selling this on ebay, I stupidly ate it.
But on the upside, I was the one to discover that it even had chocolate inside it.

Drum roll announcement

Scrolling across the tube carriage message board:
The next station is!! Caledonian road
I never knew Caledonian road was such an overwhelming place to be.

Time out

I'm sure most of us have hiding places when work becomes so unappealing that we just have to be somewhere else. When you've just got yourself to hide, there's endless options. Sitting it out in the bog, going for a fag out the back, popping out for some 'stationary', or even, booking a meeting room. A definite plus to this is you could order in tea and biscuits. But spare a moment to think of our street sweepers. They're noisily driving round our city, are only capable of going a few miles an hour (which is not fast enough to escape from your boss, I imagine), and are pretty hard to miss. Being covered in orange flashing lights really doesn't help matters either.

So, what happens when that newspaper on the dashboard becomes too hard to resist? You hide down the ramp of a pedestrian underpass for half an hour. The noise and lights perfectly concealed. Until now, having walked through that tunnel several times, I'd never appreciated what a special spot this was.

Guest Appearance II

Thanks for the pic, Emma.

From a distance the headline of this sign was really intriguing. As I got closer I was initially disappointed that instead of some marketing ploy, it was just a sign from the police. My disappointment, however, was short lived, as I began to think, why Stolen Moments? Language that conjures up a couple, huddled in a doorway, making the most of the time that's left to them - for a petty theft warning? Well, it's different. And it certainly caught my attention. But then I became disappointed again that they hadn't continued the theme into the rest of the copy.

Barge in Paddington Basin

Nothing's simple anymore is it? Instead of just telling us not to climb the fence, they have to go into detail as to why. Do we really need an explanation for everything? Should Private signs elaborate why we're not allowed in? Should No Parking. Gates in constant use (which, from my experience, never seem to be) go into detail as to what this use actually is?

This, come to think of it, is not wise. Because the 'use' is probably so depressingly mundane that it would undermine the first part of the message.

My view is, if we need an explanation, then we really don't deserve one, do we.

Testimonials

This ad makes regular appearances on the back of the Guardian's Guide. And each time it does I check to see whether Mr Eagle's film Red has been raking it in at the box office. But I've yet to find a trace of it. Or of student Jon Eagle's blossoming career as a writer. Perhaps he's changed his name. He wouldn't be the first author to do so. Yes, that must be it. Otherwise it's not much of a success story for the Writer's Bureau, is it.

Protective punctuation

I find something rather uncomfortable about Cavendish sandwich bar putting the word 'local' in inverted commas. Like they're making a real point out of it, as though they've had issues in the past. Did someone call up for the free delivery, and when asked for the address, said Croydon? We can only imagine the cost to Mr Cavendish for those free deliveries to such distant lands. It makes me question what constitutes 'local'? A short walk? Within 5 miles? Mr Cavendish, I'm guessing, has set down the parameters of local, so they won't get taken for a ride.

The world's not so local bank

Out of context

I myself have been forced to wear a uniform to work - thankfully those times have passed - but this girl's not as fortunate. I'm guessing from 'Can I help you find the perfect present?', she spends her days in Clintons, or some similar establishment of delights. Having this emblazoned on your back in said shop makes sense, but at the bus stop? Tempting as it was to take her off, drag her round all the shops in London til we'd found something perfect for my Dad's birthday this year, I decided that perhaps she'd choose the gift of a smack in the face.

Everything covered?

This publican forgetfully missed out incomprehensible mutterings, spouting shit and vocal vomiting. And I'm sure there's more they overlooked.

Type in the word knit in Google Image search.

Another piece of brilliant design

Pockets are good. They're great things for keeping other things in - keys, money, amalgamated fluff and such like. The general rule is that the more pockets the better. A pocket on your back, however, is surely not the best idea. Unless you have something you want to be rid of, of course.