Mixed messages

The first guest appearance

This was spotted by fellow lensman One Hour Photo inside a pub in Camden.

Seeing as I wasn’t there, I can only imagine what an exciting place this was. Parched, sober people awkwardly standing round, incapable of making conversation with anyone of the opposite sex. Bored, dejected barmen and a load of unhappy, empty glasses. Stuck indoors. They’re not allowed outside. Poor things.

Going up, up and away

Like most lifts, the one at my work has an emergency telephone. Last week, as I was going up to the 5th floor, the speaker started ringing. After two rings, there was a click and I was then party to the following:

"Hello! This is Sandra and I've got some fantastic news for you!!"

This was said in a thick American accent, and the sound quality led me to realise that it was a recorded message Thankfully I didn't have to interact with this Sandra. She continued:

"Because today is your lucky day - you've won this month's holiday!"

The lift had just won a holiday. Today was certainly my lucky day. She proceeded to reel off the details, then saying in order to collect just press 7, then 5, then 3... you get the gist. By this time, my mind was imagining the lift smugly relaxing on some idyllic beach, sipping a cocktail. Or painfully recounting to its elevator friend "I was taken in, that Sandra took me for ride. After staying on the line for a hour, they'd fleeced me for hundreds"

A polite request

This sign graces the walls of a ladies loo in an upmarket chippy in Brighton. At the time they were admittedly spotless, but if they were disastrously strewn with scrunched up toilet paper and dirty towels would the Duty Manager really thank you for dragging it all out across the restaurant floor in front of paying punters? Would he be delighted if you presented your findings to him at the bar? Apparently so. Maybe he'd even comp you a sticky toffee pudding, or a banana split.

Books? Shhhhh!

Stuck on the window of a south London library is a large sign with the words: DVDS/CDS/BOOKS ON TAPE emblazoned on it. (Sadly I didn't have time to snap it as I sailed past on a double decker). Do libraries now feel they should keep it quiet that they still have books? You know, the ones with writing in them. That you can read. Books? No, none here. Don't be afraid, come back to our library. We've got rid of all those nasty repellent books now.